Greece Lightning, Athens 4th most prolific weather station, announced earlier today that Europe will be invading mainland Greece plus one unnamed ‘party island’ of their choosing.
The Island was drawn at random during a “Cripplingly intense” tombola party distastefully hosted by Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte. Mark has refused to disclose the name of the island, but promises it’s “one of the really fun ones, where you can waterski for like, £20 or something crazy”.
Bullying is contagious, last week Italy and Turkey were spotted stealing Greece’s rucksack and throwing it between them. making the ancient country jump an implausible amount to reach their lunch.
Earlier this morning behind the bike sheds Albania stole Greece’s glasses, forcing the country to constantly bump into Turkey and Egypt, causing the 3rd largest teasing-induced earthquake North Africa has ever seen.
Corfu’sing as it may be, the vast majority of Greece’s problems stem from a bitter marital dispute between Germany and Greece. In 2009 the EU infamously hosted one of many distasteful ‘Rhodeo nights’, a Greek-Texas themed event in which world leaders must lather themselves in olive oil whilst desperately clinging on to steroid enraged bull for as long as they can. The winner then gets to own 20% of all agricultural land from the country of his/her choosing as well as a 2-4-1 Groupon voucher for Legoland Windsor.
After a €2.4billion evening well spent, in which Bulgaria won a Nindendo DS on a crane machine whilst Romania sullenly kicked it’s over-sized Minion teddy into the sea, Alexis and German Prime Minister Angela Merkel continued their night in a near by phone box, drinking port and swapping ‘You should have been there!’ office stories.
However, just like first date intimacy disrupted by the cat jumping on the bed, fun turned to blind anger in a matter of seconds. Alexis Tsipras broke down, demanding that it was “Not fair that Greece had to pay their T.V licenses” to the rest of Europe, especially as “Spain still hadn’t paid their share, let alone the water bills even though they kept having way more baths.”
Later that night, Alexis was heard drunkenly loud-whispering to France:
“Kos of this, we’ve told everyone to hide their ariels under their beds. So if Germany or Holland come nocking we can show them that we’re only using our laptops”
Due to international sanctions on trading, Olympus camera technology, which famously sponsors a major Greek mountain, has been forced to withdraw from future funding. The Euro is also said to be in a state of limbo, with the currency being seen dawdling outside Athens airport, to-and-fro’ing between the tough decision to stay or say ‘F*ck it’ and do a ‘Random EasyJet’
Instability, bankruptcy and on the verge of financial collapse are three things I filter to on Match.com. But what lies ahead for Greece?
Only Tim(e) can tell.